That's Major!

“I wanted to sweep her off her feet but she kept hitting me with the damn broom.”

I was really just minding my business. After a flurry of trending topics, passive aggressive Facebook updates, disgruntled blog posts with helpful hints that weren’t really that helpful, I just couldn’t help but be drawn into the fray. People were having problems. And I didn’t want any problems. But everywhere I looked it was forced into my view; Valentine’s Day. And I wasn’t avoiding it for the obvious reason of not having a Valentine. (I was actually good in that space). No my aversion to all things hearts & flowers was something different. Everywhere I looked I saw that when it comes to love and loving we are in a sorry state. The dialogue was driving me insane. It was like watching 6 year olds discuss Advanced Applied Economics. Oh yeah it’s cute for a little while but then it gets annoying. And in our age of the overshare it’s way too easy to see our fragility. A steady declaration of what “real” men and women are made of and just exactly how “grown” people are will do that to you. (By the way, if someone is stressing how “grown” they are, that’s usually a good indication of that they still have some more growing to do.) Combine that with the repeated revelations of the pagan nature of the day and it’s a bit hard to maintain that lovey dovey feeling. (Cont)

Musiq Soulchild “Love”

Simply put, we are a mess.

Love is war. What I was seeing was the effects of a long draw out battle. Post traumatic stress played out in all its twittastic glory. As the great Mr. Christopher Wallace prophesized so long ago, “Things done changed”. It feels like love has been under attack for a while. There are a lot of factors in why we engage the way we do. We are the sum of our experiences. We are our parents’ children. As they stretched, redefined and basically tried to figure out what the hell love would look like for them, they also modeled it for us. Watching their dysfunction is the foundation of our protectionist view of love today.

Also the circumstances under which women and men choose mates are drastically different as our society has evolved. Think about it. We no longer have to marry because of social stigma. A man’s social or professional status (or a woman’s for that matter) is no longer impaired by the lack of a spouse. It’s now common place to see single men and women well into their 30’s and beyond. No one has to marry for sex. Women no longer have to marry for protection or financial security. We see each other as easily replaced. On paper we don’t need each other. Depending on which talk show you watch, a woman can seemingly replace the need for a man in her life with a good job, dildo and a gun.

Seems like no one needs love. And that’s exactly why we do.

Jill Scott “The Fact Is (I Need You)

Dealing with this world, with this life, is not easy. And many of us are in denial. It’s like a cyber version of “sour grapes”. As if people think, “I can’t find good so it must not exist.” I never trust a man or a woman who says “I don’t need nobody.” Usually they’re the ones who need somebody the most. It’s understandable that one doesn’t want to be defined by a relationship. It makes sense that we want to stand on our own. But our independence doesn’t negate our interdependence. Sure you can compartmentalize the various parts of yourself and parcel them out to your own team of specialists. In fact that’s par for the course. One to take out the garbage. One to clean the house. One person to deal with our emotional needs. One person on hair pulling and ass smacking duties. One for any algebraic equations that may randomly come up. It’s safer that way. Instead of real connection we have interchangeable role players while we reside safely behind our walls. And we revel in our ability to not feel. We take refuge behind our personal walls. We enjoy the comfort of control.

Yet we hate it at the same time. Despite my seemingly pessimistic view there’s something that fuels my disdain of this negative cloud that hovers over the day. I am a hopeless romantic. In spite of the ugliness of love these days, I believe that it still exists. I believe in love. And I’m not the only one. Much like the over pronounced declaration that Hip Hop is Dead, saying Love Is Dead just isn’t true. Just like good Hip Hop, it’s there. You just have to search for it. And part of that search means realigning how we look for it. The cool thing about the change in the dynamics of relationships is that we are on a bit of a level playing field. With all those other things out of the equation you can concentrate of the core of why you build a relationship in the first place.

Kelis “Get Along With You”

What may be dead is our ability to take a chance.

Gentlemen, I get it. The whole thing is maddening. You get told to respect her as an equal then get killed for being too sensitive and your manhood is questioned. Ladies, I dig it. These cats lie like a Persian rug and then get the nerve to catch feelings when you turn their tactics on them. But let’s be real. The girl who is only fun after 2 AM is probably not the one. Your jumpoff is not going to make you soup when you’re sick or put up with your meddling mama. Life is long. Make the wrong decision and you will pay for the effects for a long while. Engaging in romance and expecting to not get hurt from time to time isn’t realistic. It’s like trying to fight a fire and not understanding that there is a chance of getting burned. For a little while we need to quit being so “grown”, so calculated and so fearful of the pain that can come from genuine engagement. A rich man told me that “Scared money don’t make none.”

To paraphrase Rick Pitino, Idris Alba ain’t walking through that door. And that’s ok cuz Beyonce isn’t either. We are imperfect people searching for perfection. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with having standards. In fact I welcome that. Maybe if everyone had some standards some of y’all could stay your fool behinds off that Maury stage. But what we have our standards about needs to change. More often than not we have these pretty unobtainable laundry lists of specific traits. Like do you really want a thug? Or do you want a man with a backbone and some integrity who you don’t think you can beat in a fight? Do you really want one of those corny bowtie wearing dudes or do you want someone with the sense God gave a mule to not wear sneakers with a tuxedo to a formal ball? Yes some of it is biological and it’s out of our hands. We are attracted to who we are attracted to. At the same time we have to start owning our dysfunction. If you walk down a block everyday and get jumped, it might be time to figure an alternative route no matter how pretty that street is.

But hey what do I know? I’m just some rambling cat that was on Twitter all day.

Musiq Soulchild “Dontchange”